I Don't Know What We're Doing
by SiriusWhack
Summary: Written for Marauder Era Writing on Tumblr. Prompt: write about how the war is impacting your OTP's relationship.


Noon. He's waiting.

One o'clock. Still waiting.

Two o'clock. He won't have to wait much longer, will he?

Three o'clock. This is bloody ridiculous.

It's been two weeks since Sirius last saw Remus. If it wasn't for the short, terse owls he received, he would've thought him dead by now. The latest message said that Remus would be back today, '_three o'clock, at the latest'_. Liar. It was now fifteen minutes past three and his boyfriend was no where in sight. It wasn't that Sirius didn't understand why Remus would leave all the time, it was war and they both had to sacrifice what little time they had to go on missions, he just didn't understand why Remus couldn't tell him what he was doing. It was only another stake out of some Death Eater's house, right? It was normal information for Order members to know, wasn't it? So why did he have to keep it a secret? Did Remus not trust him?

A quiet pop of apparition cut through his thoughts. Minutes later, a bedraggled looking Remus appears and smiles as if he's just come back from the village with the milk and he hasn't disappeared for two weeks. It makes Sirius sick. They hug, neither wanting to upset the neutral silence with emotional words. When the finally let go of each other Remus moves down a small hallway towards the bathroom. Sirius hears the shower comes to life and goes upstairs to the bedroom to wait for him.

He lies back on the bed and stares at the ceiling. Waiting. All the seems to do nowadays is wait. Wait for more information. Wait for an opportunity to see his godson. Wait to be loved by his boyfriend.

It's half an hour later that Remus reappears. He climbs into bed next to Sirius and they sleep. Its the middle of the day and they should probably be talking but when you worry that every breath might be your last you learn to talk advantage of the little pleasures, and an afternoon nap is a rare treasure.

They awake the next morning and silence still surrounds them. They get dressed, shower, and eat breakfast before Sirius loses his patience and speaks.

"Stay a little longer this time. Please." its spoken to his cereal but it's obvious to whom Sirius is speaking. He doesn't get an answer, just the scraping of a chair as Remus moves to place his bowl in the sink.

Sirius looks up at Remus and sees nothing. No sadness, no anger, no guilt. The atmosphere in the room shifts drastically as Sirius' head drops into his hands. "Sometimes… Sometimes I feel like everything is caving in. Y'know what I mean? It's like I'm trapped underground and there's only a pebble keeping everything from collapsing in on itself. It's crushing me, Moony, and I don't care anymore.

"I know I'm on edge recently but it's because I'm… I'm _fucking scared, Moony. _We're not at Hogwarts anymore. This is the real world and it doesn't give a shit about us. It's like a fucked up game of chess, isn't it?" Sirius gives a short, manic laugh. "Heh, think about it Moony. Me, you, Prongs, Wormtail, Lily, Harry - we're all just pawns. We're the ones sacrificed for the _"_greater good". Putting it that way sounds really bad doesn't it? But it isn't! I'm willing to be sacrificed, Moony, if it meant giving you and everyone else the lives they deserved." He stands, grabbing Remus' shoulders and staring intently into his eyes.

"I know it's selfish of me but… I need to feel that back, Moony. I need to feel worthy of your sacrifice. For _six fucking years _I had to put up with the constant abuse and hatred of my relatives - I needthis. For once in my life, I want to be loved." Remus opens his mouth to speak but is cut off by Sirius. "No, you be quiet. This is my time to speak."

"Do you have any idea the amount of times I've seen you come home, broken and battered? The amount of times you've come home and refused to answer a single one of my questions? The amount of times I've tried to help you when you're near to _collapsing _on the fucking stairs and you just snap at me to "Leave it be"? I'm your _boyfriend_ Remus. You can't keep pushing me away like this! There's only so much that that pebble can take before it breaks and everything falls down." By the end of the rant, Sirius voice is rough with emotion. He wants to cry, but he can't. Every gender role instilled in him as a child comes rushing to the forefront of his mind. He's twenty. Twenty-year-old men don't _cry _when things get tough. It wasn't allowed. Sirius pulled himself to his full height and dropped his hands from Remus' shoulders. He stares into the brown eyes, hoping for an apology, a promise, _anything_ that meant Remus was staying here. With him.

Remus' voice is hoarse when he speaks,

"We've got an Order meeting to get to." and that's all that is said.

Sirius wishes that he could be more shocked by the reply than he actually was but he couldn't because it was exactly what he was expecting. He just nods his head and goes to get ready.

Sirius puts on his shoes. Remus buttons his coat. They step outside together, checking that the coast is clear on both sides. They don't want to be seen. Both keep each other safe until they reach the apparition border. Sirius turned around to look at Remus once more. "We're both fighting in this war, Remus - just not for the same side." He punctuated his statement with the sharp _Pop! _of apparition, leaving Remus to think on his final words.


End file.
